“Curse of the Thanksgiving Stuffing”
This ridiculous incident happened in 2005.
It gets sadder AND funnier to me, the more time goes by.
Dear Stuffed Ones:
Since Tuesday morning, I had slaved over an intricate stuffing recipe with about 17 ingredients in it, ranging from browned sausage, Granny Smith apples, sweet onion, toasted walnuts to homemade cornbread and more secret spices than KFC. It filled three enormous pans when I was done, and I surveyed the results with great pride.
On Wednesday afternoon, I went and picked up my Dad, then drove the 3 pans of wonder-stuffing from Boston to upstate New York, to my sister’s. They were very carefully packed and safely strapped on the back seat seat. My sister trucked them to my cousin’s on Thursday morning, while my Dad and I relaxed back at the hotel.
At this point, this stuffing had traveled more than most of you did for Thanksgiving.
On Thursday afternoon, Thanksgiving Day, all twenty-five of us assembled at my cousin’s home. It was finally time for everyone to sit down, and the beautifully decorated table was stocked with enticing foods of all kind… ah, all the wonderful smells of Thanksgiving. We were all seated, even the kiddie table, and the plates were being passed around excitedly, when my cousin blurted out “Hey, Laura, weren’t you making some stuffing?“.
You’ve got to be kidding.
My sister had left my stuffing on the patio to keep it cool when she first arrived, and forgot it there. With all the frenzy of getting ready for twenty-five people, neither she nor my cousin ever thought twice about it. So, we quickly threw two of the three pans into the oven at a kiln-like 475 degrees, and brought one pan to the table about 20 minutes later.
But of course everyone was already full from the head start, so the stuffing was barely picked at. My aunt offered to take home the 98% full pan to use in shepherd’s pie. “Sure, that’s OK, Aunt Pat, take it, go ahead, take it… there’s plenty more…!“, I muttered, trying to sound gracious.
It was OK because we started with three pans, in fact three enormous pans to be exact, right?
I should have learned to watch over this stuffing like a hawk, but — I admit it — I was still steamed about it being left on the patio and wasn’t thinking straight. Sure enough, you know where this is going: while cleaning the kitchen after dinner, my cousin glanced in the oven, and found a small, scorched, lava-like lump in the still-hot oven — the former Pan #2.
OK, well, not a total disaster, there is still that third pan…right? RIGHT?
That evening, I drove my Dad back to our hotel, while my sister went home with that precious, third, uncooked stuffing. “Thank goodness it survived, eh toots?”, my father remarked.
The next day, we wasted no time in driving over to my sister’s, smacking our lips at the thought of an overflowing turkey and stuffing sandwich for breakfast. I pre-heated her oven then rummaged through her refrigerator for the prized ingredient. Nada.
With a quaver in my voice, I asked my sister where the last pan was; her response: “Oh, Laura, you are going to kill me!“. Well, that’s never good, is it? She explained (rather lamely I thought), that she had brought it home, set it on the counter, and forgotten all about it. It sat out all night, and had to be thrown away in the morning.
Let’s now observe a moment of silence.
So, which of the following statements is true?
1. My stuffing sucks and no one wants to tell me
2. It’s a right wing conspiracy
3. My sister engineered the whole situation
4. There truly is a Curse of the Thanksgiving Stuffing
Oh, don’t bother sending me your vote. It will only make it worse.
∞ EPILOGUE ∞
Glad to hear you had so much fun at Thanksgiving. I seriously think it is a right wing conspiracy. I think Bush had something to do with it. He probably wants everybody to have Texas beef for Thanksgiving, and so the CIA got into the game and hid the stuffing from your dinner guests. God only knows how many other people have a similar story to tell, but are too embarrassed to admit it, because they are afraid people will call them crazy.
But you went public with it, so now, take a word of advice, and don’t tell anybody else, or pretend it was all a joke, we don’t want the FBI and CIA and maybe even Alan Greenspan (just for good measure) to come after you and disrupt the American economy.
So hang in there, and just think “Filet Mignon” from now on. It will be all right, trust me. Relax!